This love that I have received is very different from the others..

I remembered when I am young, I had a closer relationship with my dad. But as years passes by, I had a closer bonding with my mom.

When I was in secondary school, i withdrew from a big competition that puts no one to understand me. With accussations from all my ECA mates, I felt guilty. I cant sleep well. I lost focus on everything. She was there for me. She didnt utter any thing much but she was the one who encouraged me to pick up my school bag to school.

I didnt do well in my studies, I went to society to work early and continues my studies later on. She was there to tell others that I am learning from my mistakes; I am not having an easy time.

When I had a very heartbroken relationship many years ago, she was the one who woke up in the middle of night and checked whether I had soaked all my tears in my pillow. She was the one who cried with me. She had broken relationship with my dad and don want same thing to happen to me. Cause I am still young and I don understand, I have a long way to go..

When I had this breakdown this time, I went to her bed and slept by her side. She understand why, she woke up in the middle night, asking me not to ponder over things and have a good rest. When I lost my appetite, she tried to cook dishes i liked. Gets me to have a few bites. When I am out talking to friends over my broken heart, she was concerned when I am coming back home. When I don gain understanding from people and again things gone wrong, I soaked in tears. A touch and smile was there to comfort me.

Maybe she don understand and didnt ask what happened. But she knows that I am sad.. shattered. Nothing will compare to a motherly love. Someone who is forever close to your heart, No matter you are young or old..

Even when I was at service on first day of CNY, the sermon was on reasons why you should honor your parents. And yes, if there is only one salvation i can give away - she is the one.

Chinese New Year is here again! :)

Everything has gone so wrong since beginning of year 2006. My hopes - a better year ahead and good health for everyone especially for my mum!

A lot of times. With technology, it brings speed. But never sufficient closeness, you can know friend thru the net, thru sms, thru email. You tot that you know the person via these technology for years and thinks maybe that people may be your lifepartner/good friend, but never.. till you meet up, see face face to, spent time together..

Are you someone who is really close to my heart. Yes, maybe I am self-centered, I am bad, I am a sinful person. I am a rot!! But have you confronted me? You didnt? You walked away.. You never see me face to face with the eye contact, have you hear me out? Thru snail mails, I don understand your feelings, yes, maybe what boils me is anger.. Cause no one know my heart, especially when I am angry. No words are comfort to me cause it is the same to everyone. When you go to a funeral, you are only say things like "sorry, is there anything i can?" a smile causes more hurts.. etc. you never know the heart of that person. When you are sad, I cant share your sadness; I don understand.. When I am happy, you don understand that joy completely too. that's why i avoid everyone..

Yes, a lot of miscommunication. just like a sms i sent concurrently meeting two person, one to meet, one not to meet (cancelling appointment). But a mistake to "sent" to the wrong party makes all miscommunication till you stopped sms and call the person or till the appointment. But silence is worse than no communication. this is also why i didnt break all communication, only allowing him to sms/email/snail mail me during this period. but still, there is a commmunication breakdown as usual.

If i don hearten my heart, maybe he will not learn. I will not learn too. Maybe it is the years of commitment, do I really want to be with him?

White lies, yes, it's to cover and makes one comfortable but the truth hurts.. And to the extend of lie over lies, using another lie to cover the existing lie.. but one day, something happened, no matter.. good lie, bad lies.. it's all explored, and the truth is painful.

Last evening, we finally meet up but i didnt want to see him eye to eye. I am afraid if I soften my heart, I am letting him to go back to old ways. I want to give him that hug but I cant. I am feeling so pain in my heart.. why I am doing all these; withdrawing my emotions? Anyway, I got something for him and his family.

A sentence.. "A picture is better than using thousand words to describe it." This is the same for our story..

Today is my 1st appreciation lunch with my current company. I kinda look forward for it. It's the very 1st time in my working history that I am being invited for such occassion. Thankful that there is such practice in this company.

I got the invitation via email days ago. It was sent to one of the managers, his assistant, my direct boss and I (we are the additional attendees). My direct boss needs to attend a farewell meal for another co-colleague. I felt so awkward as I am not close to the rest. Thankfully there is another female colleague joining us. She used to sit next to me for a week before she is being "chased" out of the room. So I IM her upon seeing her on the scheduling list. She too, was scared afraid that she will be the only female attending this lunch appointment. What a relief for both of us!

We set for Grand Hyatt at 1145 hrs. Past 12 noon, we stepped into Hyatt. Last time I always walked past this hotel but never dine there except for a wedding banquet years ago. Mmmm.. looks good!. 16 of us, and 2 tables. Beside two of us and the manager and director, others rush to sit at the other table. Well, I could understand.. the pressure of eating with bosses. But to me, my boss and the manager are very soft spoken and understanding people, so I am at ease to dine at the same table and since i don even know the rest... Could tell that other colleagues who would never want to sit with us.. hee hee.. It's fully understood, if I have to sit and dine with my big boss, i think i cant even digest my food.. ;P

There are malay, chinese, indian variety of food. Glad that my female co is also a buffet lover.. she loves good food too. If i never like sitting with females who eat like mouse, I felt bad behaving like an eating monster...

After the meal, how I wish I can head home or shopping... But a hearty meal is good enough too!

Your thoughts are not my thoughts
My thoughts are not your thoughts
His thoughts are not my thoughts
My thoughts are not his thoughts

I dont know why i want to write this! But my thoughts are not your thoughts and your thoughts are not my thoughts. Please dont ask and contribute more hurts and my heart hurts a lot, terribly. I am trying to forgive and forget; I am letting time wash away my hurts and time to heal the pain.

Have you know how painful it hurts?

Please dont hurt me anymore... Pls?

(I am never good at expressing myself in words, vocabulary or speech.. but please understand that I am not trying to hurt anyone)

One more week to CNY. I had packed my room, my entire room!! almost the whole till my sis digged the drawers and realised that it is unpacked. What a mess it created. Well, it's not too bad.. i am way ahead of time this year. But i believe it will be back to square one before CNY comes.

2nd letter arrived this evening. Not perfume sprayed this round. But from the envelope looks recycled from a glance; i know it is from him. He mentioned that he's still not discipline enough (much to my disappointment, room still in mess, controlling his car speed, but dont know about money wise, has he tried controlling or spending $$ like tap water again?).. I dont know how to express my feelings. Should I play ignorance and not care or scold him through sms? He mentioned he's not ready, dont come back so soon?? You mean don come back is better? How much time is considered enough after I wasted coming to 8 years nurturing a relationship that 50% of the time I am disappointed in. I think I dont to bother anymore. Actually I am a bit angry... But after i played the Chinese song i like, to me, i am not perfect.. well, I cant expect much out of others..

Monday again. Nope... no Monday blues... visitors are still around. They are a nice people except for a few black sheeps among them..

Let this week pass quickly and CNY - ang pow collecting time!!! :)

My 1st favourite Chinese Christian song:

祢流出宝血
洗净我污秽将
我的生命赎回

祢为了我的罪
牺牲永不悔
显明祢极大恩惠

我深深体会
祢爱的宝贵
献上自己永追随

或伤心或气馁
或生离或死别
愿刚强壮胆
永远不后退

哦

祢爱永不变
从今直到永远
深深浇灌我心田
或天旋或地转
经沧海历桑田
都不能叫我与祢爱隔绝

Dont know how to express myself in my blog..

First, heartache for the reason of my so-called b/f. It's been more than a week since we last spoke to one another. No sms from him. Yes, a letter sprayed with the perfume I loved. But that's not enough. Probably, he's enjoying himself in other's company and glad that he has gained back all the freedom? (I am having too much of imagination..) I don know, really. At times, I confessed, I missed him, but again, same thing.. it's seems that I too, have gained that freedom, unrestricted freedom..

Especially this week, just as I thought that all my bosses even my direct boss are away for business trip means that I have more freedom. Less work, to knock off on time. How wrong I am! All the visitors and consultants flooded my office. I am busily booking rooms, doing the travel logistics etc. And one changes his travel plans with no adv notice as and when as he wants! Sigh.. very tired. Focusing so much that it created a headache, I need a good massage on my forehead! This pain is killing me this week. Working late... Jia You Jia You!! One more working day to weekend. One of the factor is insufficient sleep! Serves me right for chatting on the net and chatting over the phone with ex-colleagues and friends etc. Well, I have no one close to my heart to turn to. My spiritual "mommy" supports my decision of temporary separation.... My tots? Dont know what will happened that later. Will we drift away with this rough decision I made? Even my ex-colleague said dont ask those who are single for advices, ask from those who are happily married.. learn from them, their happiness. Not from those who talked about their brokenhearted past. Really, should that be that way. I do agree.. more or less I see his point of view..

Grrgghh.. that pain is killing me... sleeping early tonight, if I can.

I logged into my blog. First thing I saw is my blog's name "You are my sunshine". Well, out of a sudden, my heart felt that the sunshines has hidden itself behind the clouds, like the downpour for the past days. It will take a long time before that sun comes out and be shinning in the skies.

Last night, I was online chatting with 2 person. Ms. A - my ex-colleague, Ms. B - my so called b/f's friend's galfriend.

Let's talk about Ms. A, my ex-colleague. I guessed she is trying to cheer me up by asking me to chat with her and her hubby. They are chatting in the same house, but one in the living room and the other is in the study room. She explained that this is to give 'space' to one another and to let each other do their likes.

Ms. B who was angry with her b/f for not accompanying her. Her b/f has forgotten about her existence while with the rest gang of friends. She was frustrated that he put on a smiling face with the gang whereas when alone with her, his face was very indifferent.

Mmmm... Ms. B's situation sounds very familiar to me. Well, that's because I have been in her shoes. But in comparsion, that's only part of issues that you have to go through in a BGR. There are more hurdles than just complaining at times. Not trying to say that she's demanding. I too, loved to have his company too in the past and demands for it. But sometimes, you just need to let go and sometimes, to be direct and tell him the unhappiness and things that bothers you - be truthful about your own feelings.

As for Ms. A - a hubby who is understanding and a great cook (I heard). But if I give that freedom, will we lost each other forever? She is legally married, but time passes.. the customary traditional marriage has dragged on. And maybe there wont be one since they have moved in their new house, also no point of having one.. Am I like her? Taking the relationship - it exist and drags on.. that's why I hang on to it? I pinned hopes on him but he doesnt at all.. Sigh..

My mind is now empty, will stop here.

Should I blog on my personal feelings? Be real with the feelings I had for the past days?

I put on a mask at work. I tried to give 101%. At least, my love life is a flunk but let it not affect my working life. I eat as per normal when I am at work, prayed that I will be busy that I cant have tots occupying my mind. I had 2 more new colleagues from other dept who had shifted into my room. That's a good sign. With them around, I also dont want to daydream.. My boss kept changing his travel itineraries etc; so much work to be done that I worked late. I dont mind, I felt good loaded with work.

Back home, I have no appetite to eat.. I felt lonely. I dont know what's in my mind too? My concerns that he has not obey or listen after this harsh decision I made? Still having late nights outside.. with friends and not worrying about what had happened?

I spoke to his good friend. I told him it is so hard to be a forgiving girlfriend. I am tired, physically and mentally tired that leads on to stress! What have I done? maybe I have been so lenient that he took it all for granted. He's so much like the story of Boy Who Cries Wolf; everytime he cries "wolf wolf" no matter how wrong I know in my heart that it is fake or a lie, I still goes to his "rescue". This time round, it completely different. I had finally harden my heart. No to answer his calls. No to opening that door. I fear.. if I softened my heart, it is back to square one.

This morning, my cell leader sms me. I have not told her what happened, so considering whether I should too. afterall, it is something so personal, no one understands. Only God does - to me. Her message goes "God discplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seem pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. " Hebrews 12:10-11 (So much meaning that is meant for me and him).

Concurrently, I pressed the sms and it accidently went on to another sms she sent months back which I didn't delete (it's amazing cause i dont know which key i pressed that was picked from random the sms I have saved in my inbox!).It goes "My Morning prayer 4 u: Have a HEART that never heartens, a TEMPER that never rises, a TOUCH that never hurts and a LOVE that never fails. Good Morning!"

Well, the sms meant a lot for me and a lot of soul searching..

For years, I never felt so disappointed in life. Be it that I did not do well in my studies or stressed by my job, even when I am out of job.

I felt so disappointed... so bitter cause come to realization, maybe it's all my fault. I am not a good girlfriend. I do not know how to love, when to grab or let go. I felt so disappointed that when I gave total freedom when I think he is matured to think. He disappointed me with 200%. I am not angry with him, I am angry with myself. Why am I such a failure?

Do you think $$$ cures all? It's not $$ i am fully concerned. That's the basic of life to say it all. The more I saved, the more thrifty I get, the more I lost. I don want to be a control freak of his life. He will end up fearing me than loving me.

I am so tired, so depressed. What wrong did I do? You want me to tie him and fly him like a kite... he is not one and I don want to be a controller. I am speechless.

I cant closed my eyes and convinced myself to stop thinking about has happened. I really lost all the confident in him. I felt I am spent many years and trying to understand him but I failed!! I am tired of this love game. I am out of it...

Dear Lord, Father In Heaven

Teach me how to mend this broken heart,
Teach me how to be complete,
Teach me how to pray,
Teach me how to be gracious

Grant me a good rest at night,
I am tired,
Let me be in your arms like a child,
And let these tears dried up

Restore everything,
Restore my faith,
Restore my broken heart

There is no one who knows me better than You.
You are alone is my lifetime companion.
You are alone is the one who loves me and understand me.

I pray all above in your most precious name,
AMEN!

I have issues waking W/L up, especially on Sundays, weekends. It is where the most precious time of the week comes and looking forward to spend moments with him. But our friend has 'deaf' ears This week, he has 88 missed/morning calls from me which EXCLUDES some that went to his voicemail.. (Well, this has not broken the record of 100 plus missed calls). Sigh, this is really ALMOST mission impossible.

With the new announcement that church gates will be shut 20 mins after service started, I am already dragging myself out of bed on a rainy day, dying out of exhaustion of redialing the buttons and frustrations of waking him up. With much patience, he finally picked up his mobile and I reminded him of the gates closing if we are late for more than 20 mins.. He scolded me for being nagging; it was like a sword piercing though my heart and still, I hang up the phone and waited for him.

15 mins later.. I called.. You GUESSED IT!! HE'S STILL IN BED!! Imaging what has happened earlier.. his reaction was to jump out of bed, washed up, speed over to my place.

He came over.. I told him what hurt I was. My good intention to wake him up and with a comment that I nagged at him and in the end, he went back to bed..

Stupid lame excuses to make me calm down. "I had a good night rest and I heard the mobile phone ringing.. I woke up and stood up, walked and I tripped." I thought it was real and out of concern, I asked "You okay, where hurts?" He said "I tripped and fell back to my bed and I just closed my eyes and went back to sleep!!" He laughed and laughed!!

Stupid man! To think I am fooled by your story! So stupid of me!!

It's New Year!!!!

Another year symbolises another new route ahead of us. I don know what's in store for me but I believe all bad things are thrown behind!! :)

I created another new blog new skin, meaning another beginning, another chapter of my life has started. All good things flown in and get in place as I strive on in life!!!

NAME: MRS GOON
DOB: 02 AUG 1978
LOVES: GOD, FAMILY, FRIENDS, SHOPPING, MAKAN
FAVORITE VERSE: MATTHEW 6:33

This love that I have received is very different from the others..

I remembered when I am young, I had a closer relationship with my dad. But as years passes by, I had a closer bonding with my mom.

When I was in secondary school, i withdrew from a big competition that puts no one to understand me. With accussations from all my ECA mates, I felt guilty. I cant sleep well. I lost focus on everything. She was there for me. She didnt utter any thing much but she was the one who encouraged me to pick up my school bag to school.

I didnt do well in my studies, I went to society to work early and continues my studies later on. She was there to tell others that I am learning from my mistakes; I am not having an easy time.

When I had a very heartbroken relationship many years ago, she was the one who woke up in the middle of night and checked whether I had soaked all my tears in my pillow. She was the one who cried with me. She had broken relationship with my dad and don want same thing to happen to me. Cause I am still young and I don understand, I have a long way to go..

When I had this breakdown this time, I went to her bed and slept by her side. She understand why, she woke up in the middle night, asking me not to ponder over things and have a good rest. When I lost my appetite, she tried to cook dishes i liked. Gets me to have a few bites. When I am out talking to friends over my broken heart, she was concerned when I am coming back home. When I don gain understanding from people and again things gone wrong, I soaked in tears. A touch and smile was there to comfort me.

Maybe she don understand and didnt ask what happened. But she knows that I am sad.. shattered. Nothing will compare to a motherly love. Someone who is forever close to your heart, No matter you are young or old..

Even when I was at service on first day of CNY, the sermon was on reasons why you should honor your parents. And yes, if there is only one salvation i can give away - she is the one.

Chinese New Year is here again! :)

Everything has gone so wrong since beginning of year 2006. My hopes - a better year ahead and good health for everyone especially for my mum!

A lot of times. With technology, it brings speed. But never sufficient closeness, you can know friend thru the net, thru sms, thru email. You tot that you know the person via these technology for years and thinks maybe that people may be your lifepartner/good friend, but never.. till you meet up, see face face to, spent time together..

Are you someone who is really close to my heart. Yes, maybe I am self-centered, I am bad, I am a sinful person. I am a rot!! But have you confronted me? You didnt? You walked away.. You never see me face to face with the eye contact, have you hear me out? Thru snail mails, I don understand your feelings, yes, maybe what boils me is anger.. Cause no one know my heart, especially when I am angry. No words are comfort to me cause it is the same to everyone. When you go to a funeral, you are only say things like "sorry, is there anything i can?" a smile causes more hurts.. etc. you never know the heart of that person. When you are sad, I cant share your sadness; I don understand.. When I am happy, you don understand that joy completely too. that's why i avoid everyone..

Yes, a lot of miscommunication. just like a sms i sent concurrently meeting two person, one to meet, one not to meet (cancelling appointment). But a mistake to "sent" to the wrong party makes all miscommunication till you stopped sms and call the person or till the appointment. But silence is worse than no communication. this is also why i didnt break all communication, only allowing him to sms/email/snail mail me during this period. but still, there is a commmunication breakdown as usual.

If i don hearten my heart, maybe he will not learn. I will not learn too. Maybe it is the years of commitment, do I really want to be with him?

White lies, yes, it's to cover and makes one comfortable but the truth hurts.. And to the extend of lie over lies, using another lie to cover the existing lie.. but one day, something happened, no matter.. good lie, bad lies.. it's all explored, and the truth is painful.

Last evening, we finally meet up but i didnt want to see him eye to eye. I am afraid if I soften my heart, I am letting him to go back to old ways. I want to give him that hug but I cant. I am feeling so pain in my heart.. why I am doing all these; withdrawing my emotions? Anyway, I got something for him and his family.

A sentence.. "A picture is better than using thousand words to describe it." This is the same for our story..

Today is my 1st appreciation lunch with my current company. I kinda look forward for it. It's the very 1st time in my working history that I am being invited for such occassion. Thankful that there is such practice in this company.

I got the invitation via email days ago. It was sent to one of the managers, his assistant, my direct boss and I (we are the additional attendees). My direct boss needs to attend a farewell meal for another co-colleague. I felt so awkward as I am not close to the rest. Thankfully there is another female colleague joining us. She used to sit next to me for a week before she is being "chased" out of the room. So I IM her upon seeing her on the scheduling list. She too, was scared afraid that she will be the only female attending this lunch appointment. What a relief for both of us!

We set for Grand Hyatt at 1145 hrs. Past 12 noon, we stepped into Hyatt. Last time I always walked past this hotel but never dine there except for a wedding banquet years ago. Mmmm.. looks good!. 16 of us, and 2 tables. Beside two of us and the manager and director, others rush to sit at the other table. Well, I could understand.. the pressure of eating with bosses. But to me, my boss and the manager are very soft spoken and understanding people, so I am at ease to dine at the same table and since i don even know the rest... Could tell that other colleagues who would never want to sit with us.. hee hee.. It's fully understood, if I have to sit and dine with my big boss, i think i cant even digest my food.. ;P

There are malay, chinese, indian variety of food. Glad that my female co is also a buffet lover.. she loves good food too. If i never like sitting with females who eat like mouse, I felt bad behaving like an eating monster...

After the meal, how I wish I can head home or shopping... But a hearty meal is good enough too!

Your thoughts are not my thoughts
My thoughts are not your thoughts
His thoughts are not my thoughts
My thoughts are not his thoughts

I dont know why i want to write this! But my thoughts are not your thoughts and your thoughts are not my thoughts. Please dont ask and contribute more hurts and my heart hurts a lot, terribly. I am trying to forgive and forget; I am letting time wash away my hurts and time to heal the pain.

Have you know how painful it hurts?

Please dont hurt me anymore... Pls?

(I am never good at expressing myself in words, vocabulary or speech.. but please understand that I am not trying to hurt anyone)

One more week to CNY. I had packed my room, my entire room!! almost the whole till my sis digged the drawers and realised that it is unpacked. What a mess it created. Well, it's not too bad.. i am way ahead of time this year. But i believe it will be back to square one before CNY comes.

2nd letter arrived this evening. Not perfume sprayed this round. But from the envelope looks recycled from a glance; i know it is from him. He mentioned that he's still not discipline enough (much to my disappointment, room still in mess, controlling his car speed, but dont know about money wise, has he tried controlling or spending $$ like tap water again?).. I dont know how to express my feelings. Should I play ignorance and not care or scold him through sms? He mentioned he's not ready, dont come back so soon?? You mean don come back is better? How much time is considered enough after I wasted coming to 8 years nurturing a relationship that 50% of the time I am disappointed in. I think I dont to bother anymore. Actually I am a bit angry... But after i played the Chinese song i like, to me, i am not perfect.. well, I cant expect much out of others..

Monday again. Nope... no Monday blues... visitors are still around. They are a nice people except for a few black sheeps among them..

Let this week pass quickly and CNY - ang pow collecting time!!! :)

My 1st favourite Chinese Christian song:

祢流出宝血
洗净我污秽将
我的生命赎回

祢为了我的罪
牺牲永不悔
显明祢极大恩惠

我深深体会
祢爱的宝贵
献上自己永追随

或伤心或气馁
或生离或死别
愿刚强壮胆
永远不后退

哦

祢爱永不变
从今直到永远
深深浇灌我心田
或天旋或地转
经沧海历桑田
都不能叫我与祢爱隔绝

Dont know how to express myself in my blog..

First, heartache for the reason of my so-called b/f. It's been more than a week since we last spoke to one another. No sms from him. Yes, a letter sprayed with the perfume I loved. But that's not enough. Probably, he's enjoying himself in other's company and glad that he has gained back all the freedom? (I am having too much of imagination..) I don know, really. At times, I confessed, I missed him, but again, same thing.. it's seems that I too, have gained that freedom, unrestricted freedom..

Especially this week, just as I thought that all my bosses even my direct boss are away for business trip means that I have more freedom. Less work, to knock off on time. How wrong I am! All the visitors and consultants flooded my office. I am busily booking rooms, doing the travel logistics etc. And one changes his travel plans with no adv notice as and when as he wants! Sigh.. very tired. Focusing so much that it created a headache, I need a good massage on my forehead! This pain is killing me this week. Working late... Jia You Jia You!! One more working day to weekend. One of the factor is insufficient sleep! Serves me right for chatting on the net and chatting over the phone with ex-colleagues and friends etc. Well, I have no one close to my heart to turn to. My spiritual "mommy" supports my decision of temporary separation.... My tots? Dont know what will happened that later. Will we drift away with this rough decision I made? Even my ex-colleague said dont ask those who are single for advices, ask from those who are happily married.. learn from them, their happiness. Not from those who talked about their brokenhearted past. Really, should that be that way. I do agree.. more or less I see his point of view..

Grrgghh.. that pain is killing me... sleeping early tonight, if I can.

I logged into my blog. First thing I saw is my blog's name "You are my sunshine". Well, out of a sudden, my heart felt that the sunshines has hidden itself behind the clouds, like the downpour for the past days. It will take a long time before that sun comes out and be shinning in the skies.

Last night, I was online chatting with 2 person. Ms. A - my ex-colleague, Ms. B - my so called b/f's friend's galfriend.

Let's talk about Ms. A, my ex-colleague. I guessed she is trying to cheer me up by asking me to chat with her and her hubby. They are chatting in the same house, but one in the living room and the other is in the study room. She explained that this is to give 'space' to one another and to let each other do their likes.

Ms. B who was angry with her b/f for not accompanying her. Her b/f has forgotten about her existence while with the rest gang of friends. She was frustrated that he put on a smiling face with the gang whereas when alone with her, his face was very indifferent.

Mmmm... Ms. B's situation sounds very familiar to me. Well, that's because I have been in her shoes. But in comparsion, that's only part of issues that you have to go through in a BGR. There are more hurdles than just complaining at times. Not trying to say that she's demanding. I too, loved to have his company too in the past and demands for it. But sometimes, you just need to let go and sometimes, to be direct and tell him the unhappiness and things that bothers you - be truthful about your own feelings.

As for Ms. A - a hubby who is understanding and a great cook (I heard). But if I give that freedom, will we lost each other forever? She is legally married, but time passes.. the customary traditional marriage has dragged on. And maybe there wont be one since they have moved in their new house, also no point of having one.. Am I like her? Taking the relationship - it exist and drags on.. that's why I hang on to it? I pinned hopes on him but he doesnt at all.. Sigh..

My mind is now empty, will stop here.

Should I blog on my personal feelings? Be real with the feelings I had for the past days?

I put on a mask at work. I tried to give 101%. At least, my love life is a flunk but let it not affect my working life. I eat as per normal when I am at work, prayed that I will be busy that I cant have tots occupying my mind. I had 2 more new colleagues from other dept who had shifted into my room. That's a good sign. With them around, I also dont want to daydream.. My boss kept changing his travel itineraries etc; so much work to be done that I worked late. I dont mind, I felt good loaded with work.

Back home, I have no appetite to eat.. I felt lonely. I dont know what's in my mind too? My concerns that he has not obey or listen after this harsh decision I made? Still having late nights outside.. with friends and not worrying about what had happened?

I spoke to his good friend. I told him it is so hard to be a forgiving girlfriend. I am tired, physically and mentally tired that leads on to stress! What have I done? maybe I have been so lenient that he took it all for granted. He's so much like the story of Boy Who Cries Wolf; everytime he cries "wolf wolf" no matter how wrong I know in my heart that it is fake or a lie, I still goes to his "rescue". This time round, it completely different. I had finally harden my heart. No to answer his calls. No to opening that door. I fear.. if I softened my heart, it is back to square one.

This morning, my cell leader sms me. I have not told her what happened, so considering whether I should too. afterall, it is something so personal, no one understands. Only God does - to me. Her message goes "God discplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seem pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. " Hebrews 12:10-11 (So much meaning that is meant for me and him).

Concurrently, I pressed the sms and it accidently went on to another sms she sent months back which I didn't delete (it's amazing cause i dont know which key i pressed that was picked from random the sms I have saved in my inbox!).It goes "My Morning prayer 4 u: Have a HEART that never heartens, a TEMPER that never rises, a TOUCH that never hurts and a LOVE that never fails. Good Morning!"

Well, the sms meant a lot for me and a lot of soul searching..

For years, I never felt so disappointed in life. Be it that I did not do well in my studies or stressed by my job, even when I am out of job.

I felt so disappointed... so bitter cause come to realization, maybe it's all my fault. I am not a good girlfriend. I do not know how to love, when to grab or let go. I felt so disappointed that when I gave total freedom when I think he is matured to think. He disappointed me with 200%. I am not angry with him, I am angry with myself. Why am I such a failure?

Do you think $$$ cures all? It's not $$ i am fully concerned. That's the basic of life to say it all. The more I saved, the more thrifty I get, the more I lost. I don want to be a control freak of his life. He will end up fearing me than loving me.

I am so tired, so depressed. What wrong did I do? You want me to tie him and fly him like a kite... he is not one and I don want to be a controller. I am speechless.

I cant closed my eyes and convinced myself to stop thinking about has happened. I really lost all the confident in him. I felt I am spent many years and trying to understand him but I failed!! I am tired of this love game. I am out of it...

Dear Lord, Father In Heaven

Teach me how to mend this broken heart,
Teach me how to be complete,
Teach me how to pray,
Teach me how to be gracious

Grant me a good rest at night,
I am tired,
Let me be in your arms like a child,
And let these tears dried up

Restore everything,
Restore my faith,
Restore my broken heart

There is no one who knows me better than You.
You are alone is my lifetime companion.
You are alone is the one who loves me and understand me.

I pray all above in your most precious name,
AMEN!

I have issues waking W/L up, especially on Sundays, weekends. It is where the most precious time of the week comes and looking forward to spend moments with him. But our friend has 'deaf' ears This week, he has 88 missed/morning calls from me which EXCLUDES some that went to his voicemail.. (Well, this has not broken the record of 100 plus missed calls). Sigh, this is really ALMOST mission impossible.

With the new announcement that church gates will be shut 20 mins after service started, I am already dragging myself out of bed on a rainy day, dying out of exhaustion of redialing the buttons and frustrations of waking him up. With much patience, he finally picked up his mobile and I reminded him of the gates closing if we are late for more than 20 mins.. He scolded me for being nagging; it was like a sword piercing though my heart and still, I hang up the phone and waited for him.

15 mins later.. I called.. You GUESSED IT!! HE'S STILL IN BED!! Imaging what has happened earlier.. his reaction was to jump out of bed, washed up, speed over to my place.

He came over.. I told him what hurt I was. My good intention to wake him up and with a comment that I nagged at him and in the end, he went back to bed..

Stupid lame excuses to make me calm down. "I had a good night rest and I heard the mobile phone ringing.. I woke up and stood up, walked and I tripped." I thought it was real and out of concern, I asked "You okay, where hurts?" He said "I tripped and fell back to my bed and I just closed my eyes and went back to sleep!!" He laughed and laughed!!

Stupid man! To think I am fooled by your story! So stupid of me!!

It's New Year!!!!

Another year symbolises another new route ahead of us. I don know what's in store for me but I believe all bad things are thrown behind!! :)

I created another new blog new skin, meaning another beginning, another chapter of my life has started. All good things flown in and get in place as I strive on in life!!!

your tagboard area. :D

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