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♥ Saturday, January 14, 2006
3:28 PM

Should I blog on my personal feelings? Be real with the feelings I had for the past days?

I put on a mask at work. I tried to give 101%. At least, my love life is a flunk but let it not affect my working life. I eat as per normal when I am at work, prayed that I will be busy that I cant have tots occupying my mind. I had 2 more new colleagues from other dept who had shifted into my room. That's a good sign. With them around, I also dont want to daydream.. My boss kept changing his travel itineraries etc; so much work to be done that I worked late. I dont mind, I felt good loaded with work.

Back home, I have no appetite to eat.. I felt lonely. I dont know what's in my mind too? My concerns that he has not obey or listen after this harsh decision I made? Still having late nights outside.. with friends and not worrying about what had happened?

I spoke to his good friend. I told him it is so hard to be a forgiving girlfriend. I am tired, physically and mentally tired that leads on to stress! What have I done? maybe I have been so lenient that he took it all for granted. He's so much like the story of Boy Who Cries Wolf; everytime he cries "wolf wolf" no matter how wrong I know in my heart that it is fake or a lie, I still goes to his "rescue". This time round, it completely different. I had finally harden my heart. No to answer his calls. No to opening that door. I fear.. if I softened my heart, it is back to square one.

This morning, my cell leader sms me. I have not told her what happened, so considering whether I should too. afterall, it is something so personal, no one understands. Only God does - to me. Her message goes "God discplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seem pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. " Hebrews 12:10-11 (So much meaning that is meant for me and him).

Concurrently, I pressed the sms and it accidently went on to another sms she sent months back which I didn't delete (it's amazing cause i dont know which key i pressed that was picked from random the sms I have saved in my inbox!).It goes "My Morning prayer 4 u: Have a HEART that never heartens, a TEMPER that never rises, a TOUCH that never hurts and a LOVE that never fails. Good Morning!"

Well, the sms meant a lot for me and a lot of soul searching..